I stand alone at four in the morning, moaning and cursing the pain in my head..
Can't sleep.... Just stare at the foggy sky wondering if I will ever get better.... wondering if I will ever have a time without this pain.....Twelve years of it... day and night....all day...everyday... and night........I watch the red tip of my cigarette glow in the semi light..... me and a smoke.....and the headache....the endless hell of non-stop misery.....
I am trying as hard as I have ever tried in my life to get along with the world...and failing miserably....I am prone to outbursts of anger, fueled by this ever present torture.... I don't know how to cope any better than I am...maybe I should just go...and leave the world alone......escape into solitude.........loneliness.......
I am always lured back to the world because of that....because of the loneliness.... my need to connect....to bring something to show...to tell someone about..... I make the mistake of complaining out loud...telling anyone who will listen how much it hurts....trusting I am amongst friends....... like a boomerang my words come back like another nail in my coffin....
My head explodes, and I am engulfed in explanations that go nowhere.... my frustration at my own stupidity for speaking out in public leave me suspect in my own eyes....I was trying.....I was really trying not to let this happen...another failure...another regret to throw on the endless heap of regrets called me.....like a child bewildered, I lash out at the email hell littered with comments.....
I am electronic in my need to hide...to dispose of you....me...them....us.......I run wildly through the universe of meddling applications....inflicting the crime of deletion on all I encounter.....Like a madman unleashed I destroy all I can touch within my pathetic realm of empty promises....I settle back into my victory, which is my defeat.....my misery......my loneliness of mesmerizing pain in my head.....
